Where has the time gone, it is already March, at least it is the first time this year that I feel rubbish inside. I have been quite upbeat. I am never a down person always happy in my little world. However feeling lost in my life is starting to become a big part of me. Feeling lost at work, with my friends and lost with the person I am becoming.
I started off this year with a resolution to stop being lost and find the right path in my career although recently I have started to wonder if I am any good at what I do. I know currently I am not any good at what I do, and to be honest I am a person who is not that brilliant at anything. I am surrounded by people who all have a niche, they know what they are good at and are able to work with it. Generally I am rubbish at everything, I do not have the technical interest to become a camera operator, I can’t handle phone conversations to be a researcher, the person who I am should not be in this industry it is like putting a circle block into a square hole I will never fit properly, always finding problematic gaps.
For instance, it might be a silly little thing but if I am going to explain, tonight with a group of friends I usually do not speak, because when words do escape they create non liner sentences that never have the correct words to describe what I am trying to say. Another rubbish aspect of my being is that I am terrible at games, firstly we played Mario Cart. My mind does not process the image of the track fast enough for me to react which make me last of course. Then we played Harry Potter scene It, well if I can’t string a sentence together, me under a time pressure is even worse. I knew most the questions but could not string the words out quick enough or correctly. I stupidly said changing potion when I meant to say pollyjuice potion, I knew it but could not say it. I got 3rd only because each time I got an incorrect answer I was still able to advance.
I do not have a special skill, my memory is rubbish, I find it hard to create conversations or just sentences I am lost in my own useless self. So the New Years resolution of feeling like I am lost has still not changed. It is still only the start of the year I have a lot more months and years to find myself it would just put me at ease if I had something I was good at and had knowledge about.
What I did like about my day, I went to see my friends in Swindon, they are lovely plus it is the only county where they sell my favorite cider 🙂