112 oh no it’s happening again

Over the past three days I have not had to go to work, this for most people is heaven. For me however being alone and doing nothing, sparks my anxiety, Depression has slowly crept on me. I spent hours on the sofa this week doing nothing. Just thinking. Thinking makes me Sick therefore I have been really ill this weekend too. In my head I don’t know what to say or do I wish someone had the answer but the person that I am wanting reason from is not understanding. And is giving me no help.
This sucks.
Thank goodness for work.
Night
L

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DAY 100 . . . Whoop

I cannot believe I have blogged for 100 days. I never knew how long that felt until now. The amount of emotions that I have been through since the start of the year is staggering. I am usually a person who gives up on things but I am determined to keep this diary up. However my paperback diary has lagged behind. My blog was never about how many subscribers I could get, but for those of you who do follow me and maybe skim my terrible spelt writing, I have to thank you. My blog is where I have found a place for my thoughts so I do not have to keep them in and drive myself crazy. SO thank you for reading my blabbing.

It was because of this blog that I went to Rome,

I figured out where to take my mum for her special day

I got to express my anxiety so it did not feel as big as I imagined it.

This blog is helping me so much, making me feel lighter, to get a lot off my chest, that I would not be able to speak out loud.

I found that a blog is like a quite individuals voice. And I have only just begun to shout.

MANY+THANKS

And now onto today! A lovely wake up time of 4.30 this morning. NOT. I was at the studio for 5.15 picking the equipment up. It was a great day in the end. The weather was perfect, I have caught the sun, my cheeks are burning :(. The lesson for the day was to make sure the camera guys get sun lotion on. They are the ones out all day in the sun and should get protected. Camera guys are a strange species, hm that could be a blog title. I think for the future blogs I might not put ‘Day 101 . . .’ and so on. Maybe just the number in the heading???

Anyway I got home and because the weather makes me happy I decided to make a cake 🙂

Cake makes everyone happy.

Night and thank you again, here is to another 100 days!

Day 81… Being a Worrier.

Hello I am Laura, I am 23 and I have come here tonight because …I am a Worrier.

worrierEver since I was a child I have been called a worrier. Yes that does not sound like the greatest start in life but I remember vividly my dance teacher and school teachers then my mum would always give me that name. I have always thought the worst in situations. I can worry so much I make myself ill and cry. When I worry I keep it all to myself, not wanting to show the people around me my weakness. The worries usually build up over time until it makes me burst, I end up not wanting to carry anymore worries or guilt or problems. In other people they can converse there problems through an argument, or very well versed words, they are brave enough to ask for help, to say that they are struggling. I being the person I am find it hard to talk my feelings especially when there is no fight in me left, so I just put up with everything until it gets too much . So I end up crying. Which may seem even more weak . I usually worry so much but keep it in so people do not see my weakness until it gets to a tipping point and I crash. Usually crying and needing support. I just need to remember that if I need help all I have to do is ask. I should not be afraid of failing. I will learn in time.

Tonight I think my anxiety is starting up again. I am getting all panicky over nothing. I mean Nothing… I am doing nothing and getting worried about it as I think I should be doing something. It is like when people say life does not come to you, your the one that has to go find it. I am currently panicking about that. Not like ‘That’ is anything. Maybe it is because I want to travel to America and work on something better maybe a film but I know I will never make it as I am not trying to get it. Then I just panic that I have such a dull life and I am going to get old and not have lived. (sorry about that rant but it makes me feel better when I get it off my chest). I need to stop it Laura!  It does not help that I am feeling rather alone lately. I know I have my best friend close by, but I am really missing my home and family. I think I am homesick. I feel isolated with no other person around. I just want a hug now and then.

Being a worrier can have its highs and lows. It can make me extra careful and thorough when working, which includes making thousands of lists, but when it gets out of control I do not like it.

I cant help it, it is just apart of how my brain works, all I need is your help and the kind words you give me when I have done something right. Just so I know I am on the correct path and I do not have to worry that I have done anything wrong.

Thank you for listening Blogsphere.

Night,

L

Day 70 . . .

Have you ever noticed the sign on the bus that states You would never notice a bus inspector as they look like you and me so on…. And there is no way that there is an inspector on your bus… There were two on my bus….TWOO and I had an inklin that the man was an inspector. I sat at the back of the bus and he turned straight to me… Phew I know I have 25p and a weeks bus pass I am not a crook haha.

Another thing my head has been going on about is a post I have seen today.

http://blog.relationshipsurgery.com/after-seeing-these-9-images-anxiety-and-panic-attacks-all-make-sense/

I was shocked at how much this is like me, Is my stress and quietness linked to Anxiety? I do not know, but this is how I feel sometimes. I know its still a short one tonight but I am up at 5 tomorrow morning 😦

Night

L