I do not know what to do with my heart. It is weighing me down I feel ruthless and evil. How could I do this to him he has only ever been nice. There are the few occasions where we have argued but he never did anything bad. He knows me inside and out and I don’t think I could let another know me this well. He has let me live my life but unhappiness has crept upon me. I blame the London life, my grown up self has begun and he has been left behind. I do not see him in months and our relationship is over a phone. I know people can hang on but after four years and another two to follow I have the feeling of giving it a break giving myself some slight freedom which at this point is not freedom but a heavy chain. It has not been finalised but how can we go back to what we were after I have brought up all this feeling and thought. The end is near and I do not know if it is the right decision. Love is making me sick. Only a few weeks and we shall see.
So today was brighter than yesterday, tonight I finally got a txt saying I do love you you know. That’s all I needed. Was it really that hard. Well it looks like it was. Yes my mind is still going through a hundred gears but it is settling. I think I am going to let it ride through a little longer, yes I am not completely happy, as of the being lonely with no boyfriend next to me. But I have one that I think does care, even though he does not show it.
I spent tonight with some amazing friends. Lottie and emily from university. We all studied television production and have moved to London and work in tv. We laugh as we never have time to meet because in our jobs we work many hours and trying to get three people to have a free night off is rare, and tonight was literally the only night. Lottie goes on tour tomorrow and I go on holiday soon before the next series starts again and emily in prod sec on three shows ha. Us girls know how it’s done.
Anyway, I have had three dark days, I just need to keep positive. See where this relationship boat takes me. And not stress about it too much.
I have now worked 12 days in total and it has fall on my shoulders heavily. I am looking very much forward to my sleep in tomorrow. And three whole days of my own. Time to sort out my room I think and do some washing. Today has been a tough one, having an argument with your other half does not give you a great mood. It was also a hard work day, stripping the whole studio. I am sick of bnc cables so long and many ha. But the beer after work was worth it, so was the piazza and frozen with the bestie.
My head is very confused with the boyfriend situation at the moment, maybe I am just tired.
happy Easter everyone, my Easter present to myself is a day off. Time to get my life back.