147 Suffering from a heavy heart

I do not know what to do with my heart. It is weighing me down I feel ruthless and evil. How could I do this to him he has only ever been nice. There are the few occasions where we have argued but he never did anything bad. He knows me inside and out and I don’t think I could let another know me this well. He has let me live my life but unhappiness has crept upon me. I blame the London life, my grown up self has begun and he has been left behind. I do not see him in months and our relationship is over a phone. I know people can hang on but after four years and another two to follow I have the feeling of giving it a break giving myself some slight freedom which at this point is not freedom but a heavy chain. It has not been finalised but how can we go back to what we were after I have brought up all this feeling and thought. The end is near and I do not know if it is the right decision. Love is making me sick. Only a few weeks and we shall see.