I cannot believe I have blogged for 100 days. I never knew how long that felt until now. The amount of emotions that I have been through since the start of the year is staggering. I am usually a person who gives up on things but I am determined to keep this diary up. However my paperback diary has lagged behind. My blog was never about how many subscribers I could get, but for those of you who do follow me and maybe skim my terrible spelt writing, I have to thank you. My blog is where I have found a place for my thoughts so I do not have to keep them in and drive myself crazy. SO thank you for reading my blabbing.
It was because of this blog that I went to Rome,
I figured out where to take my mum for her special day
I got to express my anxiety so it did not feel as big as I imagined it.
This blog is helping me so much, making me feel lighter, to get a lot off my chest, that I would not be able to speak out loud.
I found that a blog is like a quite individuals voice. And I have only just begun to shout.
And now onto today! A lovely wake up time of 4.30 this morning. NOT. I was at the studio for 5.15 picking the equipment up. It was a great day in the end. The weather was perfect, I have caught the sun, my cheeks are burning :(. The lesson for the day was to make sure the camera guys get sun lotion on. They are the ones out all day in the sun and should get protected. Camera guys are a strange species, hm that could be a blog title. I think for the future blogs I might not put ‘Day 101 . . .’ and so on. Maybe just the number in the heading???
Anyway I got home and because the weather makes me happy I decided to make a cake 🙂
Cake makes everyone happy.
Night and thank you again, here is to another 100 days!
To be truthful I am a person who is likely to quite something quite easily if it wasn’t from something little that always keeps me attached and trudging along. I am in an industry that has very short contracts I am only 23 and have had over 10 different jobs. So I have never had the chance to contemplate leaving… That was until the other day… I have been in the same job now for 6 months that is long for me, my longest job yet ( other than the supermarket but that’s another story) . It got really tough last week, to the point that I was wanting to quit. I felt like I was not good enough for the role. That I was not living up to the expectations of the fellow crew. But finally I have made up my mind I will stay till the end of this series, for the next series however I am unsure. I do like change and another 6 months might brake me. The pros however … I would still have a job, It would look better on my CV, I would get better at camera assisting. Cons… Studio is moving over an hour away from where I live, therefore more expensive to travel, I don’t want to get stuck in entertainment I want to spread my wings first. SO do I quit a secure job to follow my dreams or will I find another easier way into my dream after a few more months of learning.
I could go into so much more detail… yet it is time to sleep…
Wow 50 days since the year began, and I am only just now stared to feel a little stressed and worried. I am a huge worrier. I feel right now like there is a huge weight on my heart and chest. My mind is doing over time and that makes me feel sick. At the start of the year I said that I did not want to feel lost especially in my career, and today it hit me I have no clue where I want to end up in my chosen path and it makes me feel sick to think of even jumping overboard and giving up on media to find something else. I know I should not worry about this I am 23 and have a many years to decide. But there are moments when I find myself wondering I don’t know where I am going next. Self doubting my own abilities. I am currently a tech runner however I don’t believe that I will make a camera operator due to the fact cameras are frigging heavy and the amount those guys carry them is just well a long time. Then you meet people who know everything about cameras and I stare at them thinking wow you must be a hell more passionate about cameras than me, you will go far and I will not! Then I get annoyed because I do not want to be a researcher but I know I might have to if I just want a step up. How do I become a Director and am I the right person to do the job. I feel like I am not going to find myself for a while, I just want to find something that I am good at and I have yet to come across it.
Another thing that has brought this on is that I got contacted to be a production runner on another show whilst I still love this show. My contract begins at the same time the show I am currently on ends so is good, but I might be asked back for another series on this one. OOOHHHHH I don’t know what to do my mind is going crazy. I will send my CV to this place or not…
What to do when life comes to a cross-road… Panic? Run? Hide? Choose?
Sorry for another rant, it might not make sense, I just needed to get it out.
I know many people who work in jobs that they hate,finding it is a chore, they just work to pay the bills. I feel that I am lucky, I did not want a day to day job and was determined to get into an area that I would love to work in the rest of my life. If I had any choice of job in the world that would fulfill me, it would Film Director. I don’t think I will actually achieve it but I am sort of closer than many. I might make it to TV Director one day but films seem to be where I dream of working but finding my way into film is turning out to be difficult. I have an amazing job at the moment on a great entertainment show, I love it. Being on set filming is such a brilliant rush, it is stupidly long hours and low pay but I love my job. My next step is finding a job in a Drama production, I will keep looking in film too. If you do know of anyone looking for a Runner/ Junior Camera Assistant/ Production Runner/ AD Runner/ Anything Please feel free to contact me 🙂
Oh to become a Film Director, having thousands of people watch your work, to create a phenomenon to sweep cultures. Having people want to go watch a film that I directed, and watching my name scroll up that cinema screen. That it my dream.
And it will probably stay in my dreams forever.