Wow 50 days since the year began, and I am only just now stared to feel a little stressed and worried. I am a huge worrier. I feel right now like there is a huge weight on my heart and chest. My mind is doing over time and that makes me feel sick. At the start of the year I said that I did not want to feel lost especially in my career, and today it hit me I have no clue where I want to end up in my chosen path and it makes me feel sick to think of even jumping overboard and giving up on media to find something else. I know I should not worry about this I am 23 and have a many years to decide. But there are moments when I find myself wondering I don’t know where I am going next. Self doubting my own abilities. I am currently a tech runner however I don’t believe that I will make a camera operator due to the fact cameras are frigging heavy and the amount those guys carry them is just well a long time. Then you meet people who know everything about cameras and I stare at them thinking wow you must be a hell more passionate about cameras than me, you will go far and I will not! Then I get annoyed because I do not want to be a researcher but I know I might have to if I just want a step up. How do I become a Director and am I the right person to do the job. I feel like I am not going to find myself for a while, I just want to find something that I am good at and I have yet to come across it.
Another thing that has brought this on is that I got contacted to be a production runner on another show whilst I still love this show. My contract begins at the same time the show I am currently on ends so is good, but I might be asked back for another series on this one. OOOHHHHH I don’t know what to do my mind is going crazy. I will send my CV to this place or not…
What to do when life comes to a cross-road… Panic? Run? Hide? Choose?
Sorry for another rant, it might not make sense, I just needed to get it out.