Hello I am Laura, I am 23 and I have come here tonight because …I am a Worrier.
Ever since I was a child I have been called a worrier. Yes that does not sound like the greatest start in life but I remember vividly my dance teacher and school teachers then my mum would always give me that name. I have always thought the worst in situations. I can worry so much I make myself ill and cry. When I worry I keep it all to myself, not wanting to show the people around me my weakness. The worries usually build up over time until it makes me burst, I end up not wanting to carry anymore worries or guilt or problems. In other people they can converse there problems through an argument, or very well versed words, they are brave enough to ask for help, to say that they are struggling. I being the person I am find it hard to talk my feelings especially when there is no fight in me left, so I just put up with everything until it gets too much . So I end up crying. Which may seem even more weak . I usually worry so much but keep it in so people do not see my weakness until it gets to a tipping point and I crash. Usually crying and needing support. I just need to remember that if I need help all I have to do is ask. I should not be afraid of failing. I will learn in time.
Tonight I think my anxiety is starting up again. I am getting all panicky over nothing. I mean Nothing… I am doing nothing and getting worried about it as I think I should be doing something. It is like when people say life does not come to you, your the one that has to go find it. I am currently panicking about that. Not like ‘That’ is anything. Maybe it is because I want to travel to America and work on something better maybe a film but I know I will never make it as I am not trying to get it. Then I just panic that I have such a dull life and I am going to get old and not have lived. (sorry about that rant but it makes me feel better when I get it off my chest). I need to stop it Laura! It does not help that I am feeling rather alone lately. I know I have my best friend close by, but I am really missing my home and family. I think I am homesick. I feel isolated with no other person around. I just want a hug now and then.
Being a worrier can have its highs and lows. It can make me extra careful and thorough when working, which includes making thousands of lists, but when it gets out of control I do not like it.
I cant help it, it is just apart of how my brain works, all I need is your help and the kind words you give me when I have done something right. Just so I know I am on the correct path and I do not have to worry that I have done anything wrong.
Thank you for listening Blogsphere.
I know many people who work in jobs that they hate,finding it is a chore, they just work to pay the bills. I feel that I am lucky, I did not want a day to day job and was determined to get into an area that I would love to work in the rest of my life. If I had any choice of job in the world that would fulfill me, it would Film Director. I don’t think I will actually achieve it but I am sort of closer than many. I might make it to TV Director one day but films seem to be where I dream of working but finding my way into film is turning out to be difficult. I have an amazing job at the moment on a great entertainment show, I love it. Being on set filming is such a brilliant rush, it is stupidly long hours and low pay but I love my job. My next step is finding a job in a Drama production, I will keep looking in film too. If you do know of anyone looking for a Runner/ Junior Camera Assistant/ Production Runner/ AD Runner/ Anything Please feel free to contact me 🙂
Oh to become a Film Director, having thousands of people watch your work, to create a phenomenon to sweep cultures. Having people want to go watch a film that I directed, and watching my name scroll up that cinema screen. That it my dream.
And it will probably stay in my dreams forever.
You out there in the blogshpere will not know what the heck I am talking about but I will explain about this phenomenon that is sweeping the office. The reason it has gained its certain name is because it was Annie who brought it into our office. Warning it should not be played more than three times.
- Firstly go onto the well known site Google Maps.
- Zoom out until you see the whole world on the screen. Make sure it is on satellite instead of maps. You will see why soon.
- Grab the little yellow/orange man and drop him anywhere in the world.
- Take in the new view.
Here are mine from today.
You get to see some views that you never knew existed. Yeah you can get a boring road but you can also get beautiful mountains or jungle, but you also find some funny ones, where the person did not know they were being captured.
So just have some fun. As I said before only do it three times a day… It can get addictive.
I am feeling in a reflective mood tonight, so your going to get another blog from me. As I sit here in my tiny yet cute hotel room alone, I was thinking how great it is to share my days and travel with you, I have to say that I would not be in this hotel if I did not post that blog last week. I still can’t believe it myself. Well January went better than what I was expecting it to. If you scroll to the 1st January you will see what I was worried about, but now I don’t have to move house I still have a job, I have kept up with my daily blogs, and the best thing is I am feeling more myself. The biggest though is my blog from last week Day 25 to be specific. It was my day of the revelation of my independence, I was wanting to go away but that nagging person in my head was stopping me from being free. Look at me now, I fought my fear and I am in Rome I did it. It was a spontaneous break and I ran for it, it makes me feel amazing, it is a huge achievement I have never done anything like this in my life, I never thought I would have the guts to. Even though I am alone, I feel better knowing I still have all you out there in my Blogsphere to share everything I do.
So this is just a big thank you, for the likes, the adds and the smiles.
I do not know what it was that happened this morning, something kicked in to my system that I am a grown up, that I can be and I am now fully independent. I do not have to tie my life to time. It feels like a revelation of the life ahead of me. That I am free. I live in a flat paying my own bills, I have an on-going (well as much as my contract keeps stretching) Job, I have to take holidays where if I choose I can go away.
The latter I have been thinking most of. I am very much a person who keeps a distance and watches, feels nervous at new things but knows that if I conquer it I feel amazing. And this year I feel like I need to conquer that feeling inside me otherwise my Independence is not going to go far. So I have been thinking about going to Rome next Saturday… of course someone in my head is saying no I cant go on my own but another is telling me Go, be free. I know I can just book it now but something is stopping me like always. It is like I need that permission, which we all seek in childhood. I know I don’t need it, but it feels like my safety net.
To go to Rome or not ?. That is the question.
What do you think, Do you have that feeling that keeps you back from doing the things in life which you wish you could, or are you person like my best friend (who is currently on an adventure) and takes any opportunity in hand and lives life to the full. All I can say, Watch this space, this time next Saturday I might have been brave enough and I will be in Rome, or my fear will stop me and I will be sat here on my laptop. We shall see. Rome was not built in a day, I don’t think my fear will vanish that quick either.
Enjoy your weekend. Blogsphere